It’s Valentine’s Season -- Just Not Feeling the Love?

Unsafe People, Soul Wounding & How to Attract Healthy Relationships 

I know it’s February and everywhere we turn we are supposed to be “feeling-the-love.” What if you’re like; “yeah, no?” Maybe you find yourself in an unsafe relationship? Ignoring your gut, your instincts and your spirit is one of the main reasons we stay in unsafe relationships. You rationalize, justify and deny the harm that the person is doing to you and they are taking up more ground in your life every day. Grab your highlighter pen right now. Unsafe people can blameshift like no other. An unsafe person will always bring their blameshift to every conversation. It is their A game.

I define emotional abuse as soul wounding. This wounding is so deep, so invisible, so harming to a person’s soul. From my chair-I have talked with many highly intelligent people who are starting to think they are crazy-as the unsafe person in their world unravels their self-worth and self-confidence.

Playbook to Understand the Unsafe Person:

Rule #1: Unsafe People are highly skilled blameshifters. They don’t ever take responsibility for anything. They rationalize, they minimize, they justify, they spiritualize, and they deny. Never own it or apologize. There has to be a baby step of ownership for reconciliation to begin.

Rule #2: Unsafe People are master manipulators. Here’s the rub in soul wounding-the person wounding you… other people like? I’m so confused? Is it me? NO. The person doing the harm is usually very charming and well liked out in the world. The soul wounding you experience is typically done in the dark where no one experiences it but you. Things done in the dark typically grow darker. This is why soul wounding is so very painful-because no one see’s it go down. Just you.

Rule #3: Unsafe people stay in a parent/child role instead of relating as equals. Unsafe people resist our adult functioning and react to our adulting by withdrawing from it. Can I just say: How unattractive is that? Who wants to be intimate or connected to someone who is like a child? Not feeling that.

XOXO Playbook to Turn it Around:

Play #1: Talk to someone who understands unsafe relationships and soul wounding. Vent out and process with a trusted professional. Validation is critical. Find someone you can trust.

Play #2: Get away. Establish boundaries. This is the progression in having boundaries: pray, think, write it out, discuss it with a professional, establish and verbalize boundaries with the unsafe person. Then consistently keep repositioning them. Stay strong.

Play #3: If the offender cannot take responsibility you have to get in a safe place to wait or move on. Develop a support team and work closely with a trusted professional.

Behavior always tells the story. God wants us to be peaceful. Peace is the result of knowing you’re loved. Circumstances don’t bring us peace. Organization doesn’t bring us peace. Mind racing doesn’t bring us peace. Avoidance doesn’t bring us peace. Do the hard work to distinguish the unsafe people in your life so that you can develop an abundant life full of all the XOXO that is yours!

--MC